A change for the better

Forget the clichés about middle-aged men trading in their wives – most divorces after the age of 50 are initiated by women. In a radical new book about the female brain, Dr. Louann Brizendine, above, credits the menopause with reinvigorating women’s lives and giving them the confidence to walk away from unhappy marriages.

Sylvia woke up one day and decided, this is it, I want a divorce. It had become clear to her that her husband, Robert, was unavailable and ungiving. She was tired of listening to his tirades and fed up with his demands. But by pushing her over the edge was when she found herself in hospital for a week for an intestinal blockage and he visited her only twice – both times to ask questions about running the house.

It seemed to Sylvia that since her early 20s she had spend most of her time taking care of needy, self-absorbed people, and in return they had sucked her dry emotionally. Now 54, she was still attractive and felt full of energy. What astounded her more than anything was that she felt as though a haze had lifted, and she could see in a way she hadn’t been able before. For 28 years she had nurtured and loved her three children, made sure homework was done, dinner was eaten and the house didn’t fall apart. Now, out of nowhere, she found herself asking why?

Sylvia’s story has become a familiar rite of passage: the menopausal woman rejecting everything, and everyone, and starting again. At this age women become less worried about pleasing others and want to please themselves. It has shocked more than a few husbands although a man’s hormones will decrease gradually, his brain will never go through the precipitous hormone decline a woman’s brain has to endure.

If we took a MRI scan of Sylvia’s brain, we’d see a different landscape from that of a few years before. A constancy in the flow of impulses through her brain circuits has replaced the surges and plunges of oestrogen and progesterone caused by the menstrual cycle. Her brain is now a steady machine. We do not see the hair-trigger circuits in the amygdale ( the emotional processor) that altered her reality right before her period, sometimes pushing her to see bleakness that wasn’t there or to hear an insult that wasn’t intended. The brain circuits between the amygdale and the prefrontal cortex ( the emotion assessment and judgement area) are now fully functional and consistent. They are no longer over-amped at certain times of the month. The amygdale still lights up more than a man’s when Sylvia sees a threatening face or hears about a tragedy, but tears don’t flow so quickly any more.

Fifty one and a half years is the average age of menopause, which starts 12 months after a woman’s last period; 12 months after the ovaries have stopped producing the hormones that boosted her communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care and the urge to avoid conflict. With her oestrogen down, her oxytocin is down, too. She’s less interested in the nuances of emotions; she’s less concerned about keeping the peace; and she’s getting less of the dopamine rush from the things she did before, even talking with her friends. She’s not getting the calming oxytocin reward of tending and caring for little children, so she’s less inclined to be as attentive to others’ personal needs.

One day Sylvia turned to Robert and said: “You’re a grown-up and I’ve finished raising the kids. Now it’s my turn to have a life. “ She started studying for a master’s degree in social work, and build a studio in her garage so that she could go back to painting – an activity she had given up when she married. These things were making her happy – in direct contrast to the arguments that began when Robert arrived home every night. Robert couldn’t believe what he was hearing. For instance: “Make your own dinner or go out by yourself. I’m happy painting now and don’t feel like stopping.”

When Sylvia was younger, she would do everything she could to avoid fights with her husband. There’s a tape that starts rolling during the teen years, when oestrogen dials up the emotions and communication circuits and makes a woman panic about any conflict as a threat to a relationship. That tape doesn’t stop rolling until either the woman consciously overrides it or the supply of hormones that fuels it is cut off, or both. A time like now for Sylvia.

All her life Sylvia had prided herself on being accommodating. She kept the peace, as her Stone Age brain was compelling her to keep the family together. “Having a husband is good; we’re better protected this way” was the message keeping her from engaging in conflict. If Robert forgot their anniversary, she would bite her tongue. If he was verbally abusive after a long day at work, she didn’t respond.

But as Sylvia hit the menopause, the filters came off and her irritability increased. Her ratio of testosterone to oestrogen was shifting, so her anger pathways were becoming more like a man’s, and the progesterone and oxytocin weren’t there to calm her down. The couple had never learnt to process and resolve their disagreements. Now Sylvia regularly confronted Robert, venting decades of pent-up rage. She told me that on one occasion her husband screamed at her: “What have you done to my wife?” Sylvia had changed the rules of the relationship and no one had told Robert. Everything he said seemed to annoy her, and eventually she announced that she was moving out.

It is commonly believed that men leave their ageing, chubby, postmenopausal wives for younger, thinner replacements. In fact, statistics indicate that more than 65 per cent of divorces after the age of 50 are initiated by women. My suspicion is that much of this female- initiated divorce is rooted in the drastically altered reality of postmenopausal women. What had been important to them – connection, approval, children and making sure that family stayed together – is no longer the first thing on their minds.

When Sylvia found out that she was accepted into a master’s programme, it was one of the happiest days of her life. She hadn’t had such a feeling of accomplishment since she graduated from college, got married or had children. This can be an exciting time intellectually now that the burden of rearing children has decreased and the preoccupation of the “mummy brain” is lessened. Many women’s lives are just hitting their peak. Studies show that women with high career momentum in their 50s and 60s scored better on measures of self-acceptance, independence and effective functioning, and rated their physical health higher than did other women. There’s lot of life left after the menopause: the female brain is nowhere near ready to retire, and embracing work allows a women to feel regenerated.

Sylvia did try dating again, and for a while felt hopeful that she might find a “perfect man” to grow old with – an equal partner, a soul mate – but she had no intention of doing anyone’s shopping, laundry, cooking and cleaning. “I’d rather have no one,” she said. In fact two years after their separation, Sylvia realised that she missed Robert. He was the only one she could talk to about certain things, including their children. One day he invited her to dinner and she decided to accept. They met, talked calmly about what had gone wrong and ended up apologising for the unhappiness they had caused each other. They also had new experiences to share – her job and painting, his new interest in antiques. Over time they rediscovered their friendship and respect for each other and realised that they had already found their soul mates. They just needed to rewrite the contract.

The mature female brain is still relatively unknown territory, but it allows women to discover, create, contribute and lead in positive ways for future generations. And maybe even have the most fun years of their lives.

An edited extract from The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine.

(Bantam Press, £10.99)

This article was published in the Times, YOU magazine 15.07.07 www.you.co.uk

YOUR HORMONE HIGH AND LOWS How changing hormone levels determine the way women feel and behave At different stages of their lives
Life Stage	Hormones	Their effect on you
In the womb	The female brain develops without the testosterone surge that would start to form a male brain at eight weeks	Development of brain circuits for communication, emotional intelligence, anger suppression, nurturing skills
Girlhood	Oestrogen is secreted in massive amounts from six to 24 months	Enhanced verbal and emotional circuits lead to a preference for connecting and playing with other girls, not boys
Puberty	Oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone increase and begin to cycle monthly	Increased sensitivity and emotion; Interest in sexual attractiveness; Avoidance of parents
Sexual maturity	Oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone change every day of the month	Focus on relationships, finding a mate and choosing a career compatible with raising a family
Pregnancy	Huge increase in progesterone and oestrogen	Focus more on own physical wellbeing, nesting, providing for the family; less on career and competition
Breast-feeding	Surge in prolactin and oxytocin	Stress and sex circuits hijacked by the baby’s needs; focus on feeding and coping with fatique
Child-rearing	Continuing oxytocin, cycling oestrogen, Progesterone and testosterone	Less interest in sex, more concern about children; worry about safety, development and education
Perimenopause	Erratically cycling oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone	Fluctuating interest in sex, erractic sleep, more fatique, worry, moods, hot flushes and irritability
Menopause	Low oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone	Last precipitous brain change; focus on health and embracing new challenges
Postmenopause	Low, steady oestrogen and testosterone, Lower oxytocin	More calm, less reaction to stress and emotion; less interest in caring for others