ZEN AND THE ART OF CAR IMPORTATION 2006
“We think in generalities, but we live in detail”
Alfred North Whitehead
This is a very long story …………. do you have the stomach for it? Do you want
a late night? Go and put on a hot milky drink, find those tartan slippers with
the warm wool linings . Read on, this lasts for nine pages. You may learn
something, not only about car importation but also about life and the Universe,
this must be a good deal.
Knowing Andorra, I had my doubts about embarking on this expedition
although my gestoria said it would be fun and character building. I thought my
character building had finished with my last cold shower taken at a
disreputable English Public School in 1957 – not so, the cold dribbles still
drip.
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but
just above the ground. It seems more designed to make people stumble than to
be walked upon.
Franz Kafka
Thus girded I started to gather about me the accoutrements of bureaucratic
necessity. In essence this amounted to the combined days output of paper pulp
from the entire southwest region of Oregon. Number one document is the
original invoice and receipt that one has torn out of the greasy palm of
whatever back street vendor the vehicle came from. In my case this had been
surreptitiously bought off a Belgium dockside and even came equipped with a
genuine EEC Certificate of Conformity, which joyfully tells me that urban fuel
consumption is 10.1 l/100km when I know for a fact that in Andorra it is a
modest 16! So much for bargains.
To continue the sorry story ……………… don’t forget the Registration
Document, this also given grudgingly by a poor numptie jobsworth prisoner of
The DVLA office in Costa Wimbledon. The pain in his eyes when he had to
enter “Amount of Tax NOT paid = £3,042″, almost brought the tears to mine. I
was sternly warned that on pain of death the vehicle must be exported within
12 months – and that included me, and on NO account to come back for six
months. There was definitely no love in his voice. He gave me a booklet
entitled: All You Need To Know About VAT Avoidance; I felt slightly
suspicious about this but he had such lovely eyes when he smirked that I was
quite taken in.
The thought of having to miss half a years UK winter was a great hardship. I
resigned myself to suffering withdrawal symptoms, supping Glühwein on the
sunny terraces of Andorra’ ski slopes.
Ooops, almost forgot another piece of paper – VAT FORM 410 (the green
one), Application to Purchase a New Motor Vehicle for Export from the
European Union under The Personal Export Scheme. This just duplicates all
the rest but has a nice turn of phrase. You must declare that you have read
Notice 705. Of course I said yes. Has anybody seen Notice 705? I am
distraught at having missed it. Consign this little gem to the inner sanctum of
your memory:
“If whilst visiting another EC Member State (such as Estonia) before the due
date for export from the EU shown in the registration document, your intention
changes and you decide to remain in a Member State, you must immediately
notify the fiscal authorities of that Member State and PAY VAT and any other
local taxes due “.
Oh Yes! My feet will hardly touch ground as I race on my Nike Air Jordans
for the nearest Fiscal Office, clutching hot euros in grubby paws desperate to
notify. Who do I notify ? I think I’ll notify Milosevjic – but they tell me he’s
dead.
Bad boy, go and stand in the Silly Corner – what have you forgotten? Forgot
the Original Manufacturers Guarantee and Service Book. Being written in the
original Belgium Walloon this was a great help. The book had to be shipped
back to Antwerp for the CORRECT stamps, dates and certificate of First
Inspection. By the way, if this is not filled in right way about then the warranty
becomes invalid. My Service Manual is now a model of stamped efficiency -
alles in orde – this car create an empire that will last for a thousand years.
In the bright light of a Monday morning, off I trot down to St.Julia Duana,
don’t go into the Espanya Custom’s offices because they don’t like being
woken up before it’s time for siesta, instead go into a local Agencia de
Aduana’s because they’re all getting paid lots and lots to stay awake:
CHRONOLOGICAL SEQUENCE;
“We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is
moonshine”
H.L.Mencken
10.00AM. Arrive. Stand at desk with big blue IKEA bag full paper. Agent
avoids eye contact. Telephone rings and he spends five minutes apologising to
his girlfriend/wife/mistress for what happened last night.
10.05. Agent comes across, papers change hands. He returns to desk and
pretends to read papers assiduously for 10 minutes but I’m sure he’s doing
playing Sudoku.
10.15 Agent tuts and asks what proof I have that I bought it where the
invoice said I did. I pointed out the window and said “there it is”. My
car doesn’t argue. I thought that the factura looked quite genuine. I give him
Fax number and he sends two long sheaves of Catalan gobbledegook winging
on their way to the Ace Motor Company on Clapham High Road. Kevin rings
back from happy Essex asking for a translation. Agent Miguel had one of these
but never mentioned it. Belgium is never discussed.
10.50. Faxes finally return, Kevin has apparently stamped everything in sight,
in red and in triplicate. Agent Miguel loves stamps, seems happy with all this
and scurries off into a back office.
11.05 Agent Miguel returns. Shock Horror, he has found a missing document.
Logically I am unsure how you can do this – if he has found it then it cannot
be missing, if it is missing then it cannot be found ? He is confidant that he has
found that the T-Form is missing. I was unaware of T-Forms importance
believing these had died out in 1988. He assures me that Andorra gave the kiss
of Lazarus to “T” and they really really WANT it.
Both Agent Miguel and myself can see that this is going to lead to a lot of
paperwork, his eyes glaze over and he b*****s off again to the Andorran
Thought Police.
Space, time, substance and content are tools to be employed in the
apportionment of blame
Craig Brown
11.30. Agent Miguel is smiling. Obviously a done deal with T-Form
Department. T-Form, in this rare and very special instance can be dispensed
with.(Now you know that if you export an item from a Member State into a
NON Member State then you need to get a T-Form and make EVERYONE
stamp it at every opportunity). Agent Miguel now returns to computer and
hammers efficiently at the keys, this goes on and on.
11.55 Agent returns. I wake up. He says he has to contact Madrid to verify the
UK VAT number. The computer is now glowing a gentle rose pink as it nears
critical mass.
12.20 Agent is not a happy Agent. Madrid say “there is a problem”. VAT
number is invalid. How can VAT number be invalid, it is plastered all over
about six invoices? There is no point in having an invalid VAT number,
someone is unclear on the concept. Nonetheless, VAT number is invalid.
Madrid must be consulted and via the miracle of high-speed Internet
connection, this happens.
12.50. Although something is happening, nothing is happening. Andorra has
all the time in the world. I have none of the time that was once in the world.
All day is what I have not got.
The nature of the bureaucracy is a circle of which the centre is everywhere
and the circumference is nowhere.
1.20pm. I continue to read Bon Dia for the fourth time. The news doesn’t get
any better however many times you read it.
2.00pm. Agent taps me on the shoulder. There is a problem with the computer.
The problem with computers is, computers. Apparently today is the first day of
the implementation of a complete new and highly efficient software system but
Madrid has not quite got to grips with it, Bill Gates is on holiday and
Microsoft aren’t answering the phone.
Computers are useless, they only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
2.20. The computer decides it can’t cope, goes blue and switches off and Agent
Miguel says sod the VAT. Things are hotting up. The Earth continues to rotate
at 8,786 kmph but Miguel is approaching siesta time.
2.30 Nothing is continuing to happen. This is rapidly turning into a situation –
Things are independent in so far as they can occur in all possible situations,
but this form of independence is a form of connection with states of affairs, a
form of dependence. (It is impossible for a T- form to appear in two different
roles at once: by itself and on a computer).
2.46. Agent Miguel is happy. That special moment has arrived where he can
ask for money. Fortunately his fee is not based on an hourly rate. All the
documents seem to be in place.
Miguel is unaware of this. I pay his exorbitant fee for which it seems, I receive
nothing but a recebo stating that he has done work. The evidence of this work
is not apparent, this is the essence of bureaucracy.
3.05 Five hours have elapsed and I feel I have outstayed my welcome. Agent
Miguel does not invite me for tea to meet Consuela and his three children, one
of whom has a verucca. He comes out of the office to wave me goodbye but I
cannot leave because a 55-ton rubble truck has parked across the path of the
very vehicle, which I am trying to import. No one knows where the driver is.
If the doors of perception were cleansed, then traffic would appear to man as
it is, infinite, but this truck is finite and blocking me in.
3.20 Driver appears and backs up, wipingthe greasy remains of chorizo
boccadillo onto his shirt. I drive three hundred yards and park in Andorra.
There is softness in the air, a radiant brown ambience but this is just Moroccan
dust blown over from Africa.
I have now lost touch with reality. A new and unsullied Andorran Agent has
taken me under her wing. All will soon be well. She goes through all the
papers again and does much stamping. They even have a machine that makes a
perforated serial number on els documents – One would think was an
improvement since it lets the light shine through. In reality the light is only
diverted. Now we must go to the Duana and pay more, much, much more. We
arrive, but this is a very special place and I am made to stand outside.
Eventually Maria returns and asks for the large sum of money. I am
distraught.” There appears to be an error in your imagination”, I wail. She
points elongated and carminised fingernail at Total Invoice Price. I mention
that the vehicle is now a year old and as we all know will have lost half its
value within 100 metres of the garage door. I refuse to pay, demanding the
Pope to intervene. I can see the need for more paper rearing its head over the
horizon. I am directed to go to a very important man at The Vehicular
Finances Department at the Govern. It is now nearly tea time and we all know
that everything stops for tea so I clear off home for my Gentleman’s Relish
and Earl Grey.
In the night I have a terrible dream probably caused by The Gentleman’s
Relish – I am standing by a tractor form machine and every form that comes
out has my name on it and I must stamp it before the next one appears, if I
miss then another machine appears and I have to go twice as fast.
In the end an angel materialises with a machine gun that shoots official
Government Stamps and everything explodes into a snowstorm of paper but as
each fragment settles it turns into another form. In the end I drown under the
paper and wake up in a sweat.
It is obvious that an imagined world, however different it may be from the real
one, must have something in common with it.
Tuesday.
Into The Govern. Senhor Vehicular Finance Man sits in a lonely cubicle,
Planta Segundo, Portes 10. He understands my problema and goes off to look
for a newspaper to see if he can find any
adverts for cars like mine to give himself some idea of the value. The answer
seems to lie in No.17 Down in the El Periodico Daily Crossword. He knocks
four thousand euros off the Duana’s imaginative price and I bumble off happy
to pay. I am sent to three different offices in various parts of town, I enjoy the
walk and have much retail therapy – but no one wants my money.
In the end I am sent back to the Border. This must be it I think, they’re going
to deport me to the purgatory that is Ponts on a Saturday night. The Andorran
Lady Agent (006 – licensed to stamp) takes a deep breath and starts all over
again. It seems that yesterday’s papers have all expired and have to be
processed again. Many faxes flit back and forth between Andorra and Spain, a
distance of 200 meteres, and we now have everything in quadruplicate. She
runs out of photocopy paper. We wait while an underdog goes somewhere for
another tree.
At last I am returned, cap in hand, doffing my forelock (if only) to Uniformed
Officer who will now accept my dinero’s. Credit card is rejected, and again and
again. My trendy Huddersfield Co-op Bank card fails to work. Men are
starting to load my car on a transporter, ready for that awful final trip to car
hell. “You go get CASH – NOW” yells officer whose dignity has been
deflowered by my disputation of his valuation.I know he’s important because
he has black epaulets with bright shiny badge’s.They permit me to take car
and I start hunt in St.Julia’s back streets for an ATM that will deign to accept
my card. It’s 2.00pm – all the banks are shut and its 35 degrees sentygrayd .
One machine gives me a pittance, two others glower at me through their
CCTV’s and say “p***s off”. I wait and sweat in the burning sun until 3.
Banks grudgingly open doors. Ah – the wonder and efficiency of the siesta !
Repeated phone calls and faxed ID finally produce a wad of this strange
bizarre European currency. Off I scuttle before they suss me out.
Customs Man’s face breaks into beatific smile at the sight of so many green
readies. He holds a 100 note up to the light, perhaps hoping to see a watermark
of Beckham. Much happy stamping ensues and the forms are mine, the forms
are mine. Oh happy day. Beanpole Duana man comes to look at car. “You
want to import THIS into Andorra” ??,….. a look of defeated amazement on
his face. Obviously the tax is more than the car’s worth. He gives the tyre a
desultory kick that says “Hasta la vista baby”.
There are two more days of action to go. Can you wait? Does the Govern
accept it? Will he get a number? What will they say about my bike rack? Will
anyone notice that the ink is smudged on the Tax Disc? No, they won’t
because it does’nt have a tax disc.
Continued next week…………………………………
Next week comes…………………
“Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting
than looking”
Goethe
SIX DAYS LATER.
Yes, I’m still here despite rumours that the Foreign Legion have sent for me.
Time to go to ITV for Inspection. Who gets inspected ? The gonzo in the
office instructs me to abandon my gleaming lifestyle object out in the hot sun,
open to hijackers etc etc.For security’s sake I remove my only copy of “Abbas
Greatest Hits” from the ancient cassette player that I had fitted after throwing
away a bizarre object they called a “CD Player”, the slot was far too narrow to
insert a proper cassette.
I join the other pilgrims, abject haj seekers to the great god Auto. The sun
beats down on my mica metallic paintwork; they tell me that Desert Rats used
to fry eggs on the deck of their armoured cars, I could cook a paella on mine.
Finally I am called. The hood is sprung and tag details are taken, CO2
emissions are absorbed, every light you can think of is flashed, the rolling road
pronounces you competent. I await expectantly.
A President Allende look-alike suspiciously survey’s the car, looking for signs
of guilt. Ah, his face lights up – he’s seen something…………….he kicks the
tow ball.
Much typing goes on at the terminal. Something of import is happening, the
relevance of which I am kept ignorant of. If you need to know then you won’t
be told. Allende presents me with a glowing sheet of hard copy.
We have to understand that the world can only be grasped by action, not by
contemplation. The hand is more important than the eye……The hand is the
cutting edge of the mind.
Jacob Bronowski
The hard copy says my car is “provisional”, conditional on the presentation of
homologation certificado du muntages ganxo i.e what can you tow with your
tow hook, who fitted it and why, and we need lots of certificates ( with stamps)
to prove that it really does exist in this dimension and has not been sucked here
through some Black Hole in entropy (entropy rules – OK).
This is a difficult problem for me to solve. I fitted the b****y thing myself so
cannot provide a certificate from a “competent taller” and I come from a Black
Hole where tow bars really do exist.
With the help of Google, a nice lady in the back office of Witter’s North
Wales Wrexham plant “Ah “ she says, “You are probably in Spain, we get a
lot of enquiries from Spain “. I try to explain the subtle difference between
Spain and Andorra and that Andorran Stamps are much bigger than Spanish
one’s. She understands this immediately. I then find the UK VCA site (
Vehicle Certification Authority) and manage to dredge up Type Approval
documents, with official looking Government stamps etc etc etc.(Bureaucrats
just love etcetera’s) . Remember the First Law of Bureaucracy ………….. give
them a piece of paper.
ABERCROMBIE’S ADVICE
A problem shared is a problem halved, so your problem is really just half of
someone else’s.
Wednesday Morning.
Return to ITV. Scores of dangerous looking teenagers are taking driving tests
next door. Be very afraid. Many of them appear to be passing out successfully.
The apocalypse takes another step nearer. I wait, sweating and trepidacious at
the golden doors to the inner sanctum of the test site. In the end, El Presidente
can no longer ignore me and comes forward reluctantly to accept my “new”
documents”. He is suitably impressed and goes away to photo copy these! All
you need is……. a little piece of paper, thereafter, all doors are opened.
At last, a form with “FAVORABLE” stamped on it. Should I feel superior
now that I’m “Favorable” ? Should I write this on a Tee Shirt and parade it up
Meritixell ? My ego doesn’t feel much more favourable so I’ll just bumble
along as usual.
The light which experience gives us is a lantern on the stern which shines only
on the waves behind us.
Kahlil Gibran
Thursday Morning:
Go to Govern. Show sheaf of papers that have contributed exponentially to my
carbon footprint.
Show multiple forms of ID, pay one hundred and eighty eight euros that will
disappear forever into the great black well of Andorran debt. Garcia says
retorn en Dilluns to collect little yellow card.
It is not the same to talk of bulls as to be in the bullring.
Pedro Garcia Melasqueze
I have been in The bullring for nearly two weeks and it’s WORSE to be
talking Bull ! Bull is not want I want to be talking but Bull is what I get. They
tell me that when the Way comes to an end, then change – having changed,
you pass through. I Ching may have believed this but he never had to confront
THE GOVERN !
Step by Step procedure for Importation of Car into Andorra.
If the car is not New – Original Registration document.
Invoice you received upon purchase. Make sure this has a receipt stamp of
some sort on it. Andorra loves stamps.
T-form for export to NON EU country. get this stamped by VAT office at port
of departure from UK. If you exit UK via Dover then you are in big trouble
because they have moved the VAT office to the edge of town………allow an
extra hour !
If NEW vehicle for which you have paid NO VAT, then DVLA Registration
Document VX302,
stamped and completed at your local DVLA Office. Take your GREEN copy
of Form VAT410 (Personal Export Scheme – Application to Purchase a New
Motor Vehicle for Export from the European Union(EU) with you.
This should have all the vehicle details , chassis number, importer etc plus Bar
code form showing port of Import. The VX302 is very important as it will
show the amount of TAX not paid. This must have the relevant vehicle details
completed by the manufacturer (or importer) before delivery). It must have the
DVLA Local Office Address Stamp placed on both sides and must have the
stamp of the importer.
EEC Certificate of Conformity.
This should be provided by the manufacturer and also needs to be stamped by
DVLA at the same time as form VX302 is stamped. This is VERY important
if you have a tow bar etc since it provided evidence of max. towing loads etc.
You will also need Type Approval Certificates for any non original accessories
that have been fitted.
Valid up to date UK Insurance certificate.
Go to the border to import ( preferably Spain). Go to an agency. Present all
these documents.
Agency will process these. Pay Agency 101 euros. Go to Agence on Andorran
side. They will process documents, issue you with an Import Form and take
you to Duana where you will have to pay the 7% import PLUS Imposit Activat
Comercial @ 1.4%, total amounting to 8.4%.? If the vehicle is not new then
get a revaluation from the man on Planta Segundo, Portes 10.
Obtain local Andorran insurance for the car. This will be a temporary
document since there is no vehicle number as yet. Please note : You cannot get
Named and spouse drivers only on comprehensive, you have to pay a premium
which covers all drivers – no wonder it’s extortionate.
Apply for appointment to have vehicle inspected at ITV at St.Julia.
Take vehicle and all documents, including Andorran insurance.
If the inspection is favourable then take ALL documents and receipts to
Govern. They will need your Passport and Resedencia. They will also want
188 euros ! They will give you an appointment time to come to collect your
“Yellow Card”. If the inspection is unfavourable then have another drink.
They will also need a further 30 euros for The Automobile Club.
Take Yellow Card to Automobile Club ( across the road from Hiper 2000) and
apply for Registration Plates. No doubt they will make this as difficult as
possible for you but keep smiling and refuse to leave the office until you have
satisfaction. Pay 38 euros and rush out.
Next Day: Go to AA and collect reg. plates.
NOW, you can put plates on car –BUT – think first !
With Andorran Plates, by association you become an outcast in Europe. By
association also you are labelled a potential smuggler, a fiscal delinquent, a tax
sociopath. You will be hounded, strip searched and harassed by every little
jobsworth French Gendarme, Catalonian jackbooted Mossos, and the notorious
English Department of Stealth and Total Obscurity.
Police forces throughout the EU have you in their sights because they don’t
really believe – deep in their psyche that Andorra really exists. You will have
to take care not to have confidential monetary papers stashed about your
person and your whole life will be open for intimate scrutiny by all and
sundry. Lastly and possibly worst of all, you will have to cough up the full
amount for parking in la Vella and will be vulnerable to the Radar Speed
Cameras in THE TUNNEL.
This is an amazing country where on every form every “t” must be crossed and
every “i” dotted but out in the real world every sort of traffic violation is being
perpetrated with complete impunity by what are, by demonstration, the worst
drivers in Europe. Now you are one of them. Have a nice day.
Perhaps I won’t bother after all – I only did it because the wife thinks
Andorran plates are pretty !
Dear God, I pray for patience and I want it NOW.
Father Sebastian
By Disgruntled of Tunbridge Wells